mmhmm. since ive been sick, and sleeping, i feel like ive wasted a portion of my life. yes. so i have to do something......what, though? im still hacking up parts of my internal organs (so attractive) but i MUST do something. if i had some cool fabric, id make a lovely skirt. i need to make something for my fathers wedding. britney spears looks like goldy hahn to me. shes got a nice body, but she kinda creeps me out. *shudder* im not just saying that cause bitchy little girls told me to, not at all...im saying that cause if i saw her in the store, i wouldnt look her in the eye. and if i worked at that store, and she asked me for help, id tell her a bullshit thang so she would stop talking to me...mahhh..
i think i figgerd out what to do about J(XY). it just hurts. its been hurting for a long time. i think i need to abstain, kind of, from thinking about him. its been two years. i want to slap him in the face. but still, in my mind, i know that once i stop digging him, hell want me, just cause thats how things are. its always how things happen. when i stopped digging my ex so much, we started dating.....why is that? and it seems, if i show a slight interest in a guy, once the interest fades off in my brain, he wants me. i dont get it. maybe its cause its human nature...we want what we cant have. well, im a bitch. i dont want to get with anyone, so everyone will want me.
ha! take THAT, you Y chromosomes!!!!!
i talked to my mother a bit this morning. her bf wasnt around much, so she was kinda okay....damn..i wish i had parents for a few months. i was her psychologist during the divorce...and me and my father didnt start talking until like, two years ago. im still kinda afraid of him, to an extent. itd just be neat. i always think about how drastically different my life would be if all of the movie-like action didnt happen so long ago. and how i wouldnt feel like im always drowning. and how i wouldnt be so nervous. and how id probably be able to talk to people normally.....and also, i know my face wouldnt have such indentions from the furrowing of my brow....thanks a lot, parental units, youre giving me wrinkles...now i wont be able to be a model like ive always wanted to be!! *purges in toilet* (ha)
i got a letter from K(XX) today. although ive never met her, i think shes awesome, although shes just as milky as i am. shes been busy lately, cause of her exchange program goin down....and shes going to japan. everyone is. *frowns so big it goes off my face* ive never been out of this country. but i cant wait. im afraid, though...ive got some massive fears within myself. those being getting lost and being betrayed (again) although the latter happens quite frequently, the first doesnt cause i have a sense of control over it. i always make sure i know which bus route goes where, and if i dont, i always make sure im with someone who does, and i leave it in their hands. *DEEEEPPP breath* why am i so afraid of getting lost? is it my ego, cause i always need to be in control??? what????
i miss new york...
i want a million rolls of film!! my next assignment for photo is "my life" i know im gonna take a pic of my creepers (cause im obsessed with shoes, in a non-material way....in a they go everywhere you do kind of way) and maybe a sinkful of dishes. although i bitch about working all the time, i kind of enjoy it. so i can bitch about being productive. thanks a lot, mother...thanks a lot for taking advantage of my OCD. at least i get paid, eh?
i love just typing stupid shit in here....cause i type really fast....and no one reads it..mwahahahah.

well, i think im gonna go fuck around on the net..paul frank. then get mad about stupid stuff and jump around n sew and get mad at TV and laugh about how they always play that pissed off cat sound. hahahahhahh! that makes me laugh so hard.
ahh, nonsense.
well..ill probably type later. i hope my day is filled with inside jokes with myself and hopes of me picking up the phone to talk someone....i need to get over my phoneaphobia...(did i hear a little ringy-dingy)
!!!!!!

just sitting here. nothing to do. stayed home again. got my money out of the mother. seventy-five frikkin bucks, damn straight, hard earned....she bitched at me. i told her that if she kept on top of her finances they wouldnt pound her in the end. blech. but like, sixty of it went to my savings. *smile*
i really cant wait for y(XY) to come! i want to see him! he seems so neat. but im afraid ill really like him when he comes. im afraid that ill like him a lot and ill get hurt again cause i wont be able to see him. maybe im just running in circles....just me. cause of stupid J(XY). im just....grr...one lives in another state. one lives in across the sea. stupid me, having a habit of digging guys so far away. maybe cause its save, in a sense. i dont like to be vulnerable. i like to seem kind of emotionless.
some people say im extremely intimidating.
E(XX) told me once, that shes sometimes afraid to tell me things, cause im "too confident, but in a good way" and "too intimidating" i was like "woah. youre one of my best friends...you shouldnt be afraid"
i miss her. i wish we could hang out more, but some stupid emo shitsters get in the way and suck her in, and make her feel like shit if she doesnt spare a minute to someone else, ya know?
sad.
miss a lot of people. emotionless.
bleeechhhh
ive never had a "Group"
oh well.
im kinda tired.
maybe i can leave the house tomarrow?
i havent left it since wednesday nite....
arrrggg!!!!
be productive!
its hard to constantly be productive, when youre disease ridden and have a spell of sleeplessness.
oh, mortal life, gimme a break...