i only have ten mins til i have to go, but last nite something great/awful happend. J(XY) called me.
i just kinda freaked out and i could feel my face tingle cause i was blushing so much.
so hes kinda a weirdo. he said the guys at his label said that he "broke my heart" i have no idea what he was talking about. how would i know?
but later on....arrgg..we started "talking"
and stuff happend.
i hate the fact that just when im like abstaining from him, he just CALLS. i havent talked to him since early january. and hes coming next week. i hate him. i hate him. i hate that i like him so much. and that hes the only guy i can think of that ive wanted to be with in the past 3 years. seriously. all the other guys were cause i was feeling bored and vulnerable. so i did what i did.
i dont regret what happend this summer. i think it was the best nite of my life. ive never felt so "payed attention to" and he took everything that happend the same way as me, but both of us were freaking out cause we thought wed handle it differently.
i hate liking him so much. i wish i could stop.....
hes kinda sick, with some of the things he says in the moment, but i dont care....im awful too....
shit....
what if he visits me next week? what if theres a rerun of the summer? and ill hurt again even more.
my standards are too high for everyone else....ive been looking...no ones decent enough. but then, theres just....HIM. hes not perfect. i dont care hes a band boy (i hate band boys) i dont care that hes kinda weird. i dont care that hes just like ME.
we just suck. i wanna shoot myself in my face. im so tired. im so fed up with everything thats headed my way. next week, ill have it off...but i gotta do shit i dont wanna do. i wanna run away so bad. but i cant. i promised myself that this whole life situation as of now would make me invincible if i make it though...but its so hard.
i cant sleep.
i need help.
but im too egotistical to ask.
fuck it.
i miss a lot of things. and missing things makes you vulnerable.
thats not the image i want to convey.