its completely quiet and im trying to type as quiet as possible. bad stuff happend last nite. i cried so bitterly. it stings still. it was all over a load of laundry.
i needed to dry my sheets so i could go to bed.
but my sister was washing her one million pairs of socks.
for the fifth time.
that day.
auugh.
so i start to get irritated, cause my sister had been on my shadow, all day.
i reminded her about 20x to flush the toilet.
i told her to clean up after herself cause i just cleaned.
i reminded her for the one trillionth time to turn off her lights and fans.
and shes almost 20 years old.
i told her i wanted to get on the computer, cause i was done with my hw. but "she just got on" (shed be on for about 6 hrs)
so of course i was irritated. i was tired. so. i burst.
i needed to sleep! i needed dry sheets!!
so my mothers boyfriend comes out, and takes me by the shoulders and starts to shake me, saying hes sick of my bitching and hes been putting up with it for a year.
well....
ive been putting up with his drunken ass for a year.
it was only supposed to be one nite.
its been a long nite.
he smelled so badly of beer.
and his face was so red.
and his hands hurt.
my mother didnt do a thing.
thats what hurt me the most.
she was too drunk to.

so this morning, she knocks on my door and says "im sorry about last nite" and i say "sorry about what? that your boyfriend is a fucking asshole?"
and she explained it wasnt his fault.
WHAT?!
she said she couldnt help the events....
well.....maybe if theyd stay SOBER for one SECOND theyd have a bit more control.
i told her that i hate living here, and im sick of assholes.
but i still like her.
i do.
i love her to bits, but her boyfriend has sucked the mother and susan out of her. its sad. fucking sad.
i told her that, but i told her i HATE her boyfriend.
she had tears in her eyes and said she had to go.
i cried a bit, only what i had in me, cause i cried too much last nite.
it was that inner body crying when your whole body trembles, and you wish that someone would hug you.
no one knows about any of this.
im just sick of getting smacked and shaken when i try to be slightly comfortable here.
im gonna crack.
i know it.
i fantasized about death all day. about all the ways i could kill him, but thats so awful of me. i have morbid fascination. sue me.
then i thought about ways i could die. id never kill anyone or myself. but its kinda fun to think about super gory ways to die. thats just me. im not abnormal. people think about those things when they make movies. im actually a really gentle, nice person.
but im just in a bad situation.
and its my only way to cope.