we just sat around tonite. like usual. i missed the show. i still think A(XX) is still mad at me. i hope not. the whole hanging up thing really got me shakin..

i felt as if i were flying through space...colors in my brain just popped up in my face. i never thought i would resort to such things, but im glad i opened up and streached out my wings.

my hands are sticky. and im not feeling as pretty as i was. my body's let go of all of the needles that were pricking my skin, and the goregous paisley patterns that sparkled in my eye. a hug has never felt so real. lying down never felt so surreal. every moment lasted for ten count. i wanted to eat them all up with a ladel.

i feel like an indie kid right now. but im wanting to make a big change. a real impact. kinda feeling too stupid to though. i never think im as up to par as the rest of the world. its just cause of my inexperience, and i want to be like those senior to me. i feel it. but i dont know it. i wanna shake its hand and be a good acquaintence of it. i guess i wont til im there. which seems forever. just saying that reveals my true age.

i want to write interesting things that people in the masses WANT to read. not just me. or people who know me. i want to be internationally known. i want to be locally me. down to earth, head in the clouds. its the only way to be, like this...this right now. otherwise no one could dream. dreams and imagination are falsehood these days. i admit i tossed mine at the end of the season, back when it just went out of fashion.

i dont want to be left alone again, but i do. i want to get back into my socially shallow groove and not think for a bit. but ill miss having the 'where is he?' emotion. and knowing im doing something bad. cause im bad.
sure. they will leave. and ill find new people. but i want them now. i want to have someone to look up to. is that so bad? someone i can just attach to, and will attach to me. im so gaurded usually. i just dont want to get hurt anymore. if i were good with words, id ask someone to hug me more often.
like that will happen.
so now that im calming, my head bobbing back with fits of short sleep. goodnite. sweet dreams.
-jo