how fucking lame can he BE?! GAAAAADD!!!
im sick. yes. my wish came true. i got 17 hrs of sleep and my head is going to explode. he is still fucking dumb and i dont want to see him when he tours through here. (yes i do) i cant stand him. hes just stabbed my lil heart one too many times. hes more milky than i am. what a jerk. i was reading his stupid bands stupid guest book and some stupid girl posted some stupid comment, and stupid him replied back that he likes stupid japanese girls.
FUCKER!
im so upset that he promised me that wed always talk, and we havent talked since jan..that just hurts. it seems that im not good enough or talented enough or pretty enough or charming enough for anyone to remember.....and im so confused cause i get told every fucking day that im those things listed above, and then some. they dont matter. not one bit. words are just imaginary....but feelings arent. i can be told im loved for the rest of my life by every person in the world, in unison...but id still feel stupid and inadequete.
stupid me....
i dont Dont DONT want to see him! im sick of being hurt...im not good enough...my mother doesnt care. my father just uses me...well, everyone just uses me...for physical labor (ive been cleaning houses since i was 11..) or for favors...or for a sounding board. i just want to run away. the valley is filled with dispicable people. awful.
i went out driving last nite. it was nice. cause that feeling is just liberating. im so young, but still, i have a car, and car=freedom. i dont care if i end up being homeless....freedom is priceless, baby.
my heads gonna explode. dammit! im not going to school tomarrow...
i woke up to e(XX)'s message on the answering machine...
"jo!! im at school, and youre not...you should be here...(backround person, then laugh..) *click!*"
hehe. i wanted to spend some time with her this weekend, but i dont think ill be able to. i feel like caca.
i needed to get some errands done as well, but alas, no $$... my mother owes me mucho dinero, that biznitch. i hate that i have to dip into my savings to cover her ass. we were supposed to be rollin in dough when her bf moved in, but NOO!!! they spend so much money on beer, i could be through college by now...no fuckin joke. its kinda ridiculous, when i walk into the kitchen in the morning, seeing him open a beer then watch him go out the door and get in the Testosterone Truck.
my dad thinks hes just using my mother for $$, and so does my sister...i dunno...but i have a feeling that if he ever leaves my mother, shell kill herself. seriously. my sister said she had a dream he did so and my mother hung herself..i love my mother, but not this person whos posing to be her, since june.
i dunno...im just not a big fan of my family. theyre just too.......
anyways...i think im gonna go lie down. i can barely see and i think im gonna black out.
i wish i could sleep until the milk in my thoughts curdle...