last nite was an interruption of temporary peace; sams voice is still ringing in my ears. well, last nite, around 1030 pm, i got done with my trig hw, and i needed to work on my asl satistics n crap..so, i come out here, and ask sam if i can get on the computer...she didnt even respond, cause she sucks at giving up things. so...while im waiting, im looking for food, and theres nothing to be found but meat and beer...*fuck* so that pisses me off...then sam started yelling and fueled my fire (flames came outta my ears) then she, like usual, always makes arguements just skip, then splatter...she managed to drag me needing the computer into how im stupid, cause i go to an art school (well, she dropped out when she was 16..) then to how "i refuse to clean without being paid" (well, i clean up after myself no problem, but i do the big stuff for $$) then she managed to take it to me being a "slut" (well i havent boyfriend jumped for 4 years..) it just makes me mad; shes one of the three reasons why i dont leave my room (the other being my mother and her boyfriend)
now, somewhere in the midst of all this, sam yells for my mother...it takes her a while cause i think she was giving her bf head...oh well..but she comes out and just starts SCREAMING HER FUCKING LUNGS OUT.
she was barely two steps out of her door when she just pushed me really hard...then she slapped my hands too cause i pointed at her and said
"DONT pust me."
uughh..how dare she hurt me..then, sam ended up elbowing me really hard in my clavicle and i have this bump there...and my mother twisted my wrist. i though all of that was done with. i thought it would never go to that again. but it did. i didnt hit back. not at all. if i did, i wouldve just been inviting more my way. i mean, im strong, but i dont want to hit my family member...to me, thats just as bad (and tempting) as some hardcore drug...i wanted to, i wanted to bad. im glad i didnt. i was, in a sense, the strongest out of all of them.
so, after all that fighting...i kinda died out talking (i DONT yell...thats not communication) and then...i started to cry. i never cry in front of them....it was small though, then sam said something about "oh oh, cry little baby...then go tell all your fucking ska friends how we beat you and have us put in jail!! boo hoo hoo" that just hurt....i said to her that this fucking computer isnt worth all this stupid fighting, and that her attitude is completely uncalled for, and that id rather take an F in a class than be in the same room as her, cause shes the worst person i know. she truely is. shes so angry all the time. she just loses that human look in her eye and she clenches her teeth.....she usually pulls out my hair or takes me by the hair and hits it against something. im not exaggerating, but it hasnt happend in a while, just cause i dont like to leave my room unless if im out here alone.
i cant stand someone in this room besides me. and if someone is out here, i hurry and get off.
arrg, my father is coming to pick me up soon, and ive got a buttload of bio to do. itll be nice to eat a meal. well, at least something that i havent been hiding in my room for a while...
also....about stupid J(XY) he wrote in his lj a while ago that some girl from japan visited him n some shit...i dont care..it sucks. i want and i NEED to let go of him...but its so hard. i mean....i can say that i have really really deep feelings for him. i adore him. but, i know nothings going to happen. i want the feelings to get fed, but i think thatll be impossible. i have so much trouble developing connections between me and people. me and E(XX) are great though. shes my best friend, but shes always a bit misguided....she shouldnt worry so much about other people,and find that if she worries about herself more, that her problems will dissipate..silly kids, eh? we all do that, even i do. hah. oh well....ive got massive head clogging. i need to go.....maybe ill write later...i dunno.....