so its the first "real" day of break, and i have nothing to do..my phone is unrung, and ive knitted two bracelets (one for k(XX) the other for Y(XY)) and im just...blah! i was pissed off when my mother and her boyfriend came home for lunch...hes a total lush, i cant stand him. he eats soup out of a big mixing bowl, and i have no clue why. and he turns the computer all the way off. and he always has socks and sweats on, and when theyre not on, hes in his work clothes. (really tight pants with his shirt tucked in and cowboy boots) but if you dont believe hes fucked up...thisll prove it...the man CANT STAND the simpons OR the beatles. what a FUCK! we were driving home from the party last nite, and on the radio they were having the hour of the beatles, like always, and i was kinda happy it wasnt on country and the beatles always remind me of the happy times when my father wasnt a superdruggie (for about a year..) and my mother was happy. we used to listen to the beatles in the mustang and go eat every week. *sigh*
i hate thinking about my parents, but i cant help it. its like, they invade my thoughts all the time. and it eats away at me cause i wonder what id be like if all of it didnt happen.
my fathers getting married again this saturday. that means i wont see him much anymore. just when we started talking again....i mean, im happy that hes happy, but im just sick of on and off parents. i just need to get away from them as soon as possible. i cant have them in my life anyways, but seeing them is worse..does that make any sense?
i still have some bruises from the fight a week ago, but they dont hurt all THAT bad. i hate how they act like nothing happend, even just right after fights, and my mothers boyfriend just stares at us when we argue. hes such a fucking drunk. i hate him. i hate him so much. hes turning my mother into a lush, and shes gonna die, all cause of him....but....im also afraid...his daughter-in-law was over here and said she doesnt like him much either, she thinks he just takes money from women and dumps him...i mean, thats concieveable, just cause he spends so much stupid money on stupid shit...and my mother just idolizes him and everything he does. ever since theyve gotten together, she, once a religous woman, has ceased practice. i mean, im not the same religion she is, but religion is a lifetime commitment-something that comes before anything else....im afraid hell leave her once the money is all gone, and shell be so upset shell kill herself...shes got the potential. im afraid thatll happen...i still love her to death, but i havent seen the true her in a long long time...

i dont know who anyone is anymore, not myself, not my family, not my friends....no one.....is it just my fate to walk around in circles, talking to people who i think i know?
i fucking hate this...
july 20th.
license....
road...
im gonna leave it all behind in doses.
december 12, 2003.
thats the day.
thatll be the day i can leave to where i want.
for forever.
and ever....