ive got so much to do. and so little sleep to run on.
but i gotta run. dont i?
first-short term goals
schoolwork:
packet c (trig)
get to know what the fuck the chapter is about for the test (trig)
practice guitar, and "finally get a new string" (thats my excuse, cause i didnt wanna bring it)
do the other 50-some-odd pages of the translation work (sign language)
every day journal (asl 30 minute translations)
read "Frankenstein" (humanities)
current event report (humanities)
finish mollusk presentation (bio)
science article summary (bio)
shoot some film (photo)
the photo assignment is gonna be hard, we all wrote down subjects to shoot about, and pulled them out of a canister. some fuckstain put in "my interpretations of classical literature"
.....
UMM! HOW THE F-U-C-K AM I GONNA DO THAT?!
i was so mad, i rubbed the piece of paper in my palm til it was mush. literally. i was so mad....ive gotten some ideas, im just gonna think about those really fucked up stories....like "Alice in Wonderland" and "Catcher in the Rye" and maybe the poem "The Raven" ya know? just really gross junk....really surreal stuff.....i like really grotesque pics. stuff thats got strangely sexual undertones, or stuff thats 'really private'....for your eyes ONLY kind of stuff. i take pics as if they were my secrets, and its a really private process. im weird.

everything else in school is awful. im really stressed out. i dont see how miss blue could put such a workload on the seven of us. but i have a feeling that im the only one whos gonna finish it all. she wants us to like...have a fuckin sleepover and talk about ASL the whole time and make it our LIFE....
auuuggh.

miss blue and mister costello both say im gonna crack. thats really encouraging. alene says so too, but she knows the most. my family. my friends. my school. my goals. my lack of sleep. my constant headaches. my workload. my future. my idiocy. my despiration.
gosh.

i have so much to do..school. designs. keeping my sanity. and keeping my room clean. ocd. ocd. OCD.
my room is a wreck, and i wanna shoot myself.
i wanna be alone.
and sleep.
and be comfortable.

ive been having fucked up dreams lately about corpses, misinformation, and weirdest of all....

i had a dream i was riding around on a vespa, and there was this cat....black and carmel colored...he was chasing after me, so i stopped, so he wouldnt hurt himself. then....he just disappeared.....
the next day, when i was leaving to go out shopping, i see my sister, outside....petting a cat....
the cat in my dream.
ive never ever seen a cat like that in my life, with the coloring and the huge eyes and all....the real cat was so sick looking, well...just skinny. incredibly skinny. i fed her. i felt bad for her. my mother said not to feed her again, but i think i should. poor thing.

i havent even had time to write in my real journal. just cause....sooo busy. i need to do it, but it seems like its on the bottom of my list.

ive been so frantic i can barely sleep. so much to do.

and worst of all-the feelings are back. i cant believe theyre back. why?? how is that POSSIBLE? the feelings for J(xy)
why?
why should i even try?
anything ever happening again is hopeless.
completely and utterly HOPELESS.
i havent even talked to him since like...early january.
maybe i should email him?
i doubt hed respond.
maybe i will.
i think he thinks im like utterly in love with him, and im not. i dont have those "love" feelings, but i have feelings toward him. like...sensitive feelings. but i dont wanna. its instinct, and i wish i wasnt human. so i couldnt have emotion like that.

i must sound incredibly dramatic. im not. im too busy to be dramatic.
if you havent gotten the point, im too busy to tell you.
(hint:too busy)
-jo