i dont post in here a lot, and when i do, its just cause i like the feel of keys under my fingers, and cause i dont post such personal stuff in livejournal. sooo...
heres the stats...
hes aiming to leave at the end of this month. and im just a roller coaster of emotions. i keep telling myself not to care so much, and not to lay so much emphasis on it all....that ill be happy and social again.
one minute ago, i was happy. that hed write me and call me and email me and wed talk on AIM.
now, im thinking that he wont, and that he has a billion girls to sleep with there, and im nothing but a petty 16-year-old to him.
i just WISH i could express my coaster to him! god!!! its soooo horribly annoying. i wish i could tell him without making him upset...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........THIS IS JUST RIPPING ME TO SHREDS!
gosh. all i want is just to have someone consistant that i can just talk to and have fun and theyd call me...like he does..stupid stupid me.
one minute, i think im unforgetable..
the next....thin air.
one minute...i think we have a future.
the next...i have no future.
i think hes kinda getting fed up with me cause both thursday and friday, we hung out...and like, i got kinda emotional. thursday i was drunk. friday, i said something, and it turned into kinda an arguement..he was just shouting at me...saying that he WILL keep in contact and that he likes me. that HE LIKES JO. i couldnt even look at him..i felt so bad. but i thought about it...if i keep acting like that, he wont want to spend more time with me before he goes...ahhh...i need someone to talk to. for comfort. hed be the best, but i dunno where hes at. i guess all my anxieties will be solved when he leaves. whether he does or doesnt stay in the same contact as me...but i truely feel that im not worth it. (like anyone reads this) im not looking for sympathy. to break myself down, im just a needy 16-yr-old girl, without a reputation. not impressive at all. dreamy. scared. just wanting a smidgen of stability. it seems im always in some sort of mess. especially within the past two years. some big emotional mess...
cant i just relax?
go into a coma?
wake up. be fine.
or maybe..
once i move...ill live around nice people..who knows?
-jo