its completely quiet and im trying to type as quiet as possible. bad stuff happend last nite. i cried so bitterly. it stings still. it was all over a load of laundry.
i needed to dry my sheets so i could go to bed.
but my sister was washing her one million pairs of socks.
for the fifth time.
that day.
auugh.
so i start to get irritated, cause my sister had been on my shadow, all day.
i reminded her about 20x to flush the toilet.
i told her to clean up after herself cause i just cleaned.
i reminded her for the one trillionth time to turn off her lights and fans.
and shes almost 20 years old.
i told her i wanted to get on the computer, cause i was done with my hw. but "she just got on" (shed be on for about 6 hrs)
so of course i was irritated. i was tired. so. i burst.
i needed to sleep! i needed dry sheets!!
so my mothers boyfriend comes out, and takes me by the shoulders and starts to shake me, saying hes sick of my bitching and hes been putting up with it for a year.
well....
ive been putting up with his drunken ass for a year.
it was only supposed to be one nite.
its been a long nite.
he smelled so badly of beer.
and his face was so red.
and his hands hurt.
my mother didnt do a thing.
thats what hurt me the most.
she was too drunk to.

so this morning, she knocks on my door and says "im sorry about last nite" and i say "sorry about what? that your boyfriend is a fucking asshole?"
and she explained it wasnt his fault.
WHAT?!
she said she couldnt help the events....
well.....maybe if theyd stay SOBER for one SECOND theyd have a bit more control.
i told her that i hate living here, and im sick of assholes.
but i still like her.
i do.
i love her to bits, but her boyfriend has sucked the mother and susan out of her. its sad. fucking sad.
i told her that, but i told her i HATE her boyfriend.
she had tears in her eyes and said she had to go.
i cried a bit, only what i had in me, cause i cried too much last nite.
it was that inner body crying when your whole body trembles, and you wish that someone would hug you.
no one knows about any of this.
im just sick of getting smacked and shaken when i try to be slightly comfortable here.
im gonna crack.
i know it.
i fantasized about death all day. about all the ways i could kill him, but thats so awful of me. i have morbid fascination. sue me.
then i thought about ways i could die. id never kill anyone or myself. but its kinda fun to think about super gory ways to die. thats just me. im not abnormal. people think about those things when they make movies. im actually a really gentle, nice person.
but im just in a bad situation.
and its my only way to cope.

ive got so much to do. and so little sleep to run on.
but i gotta run. dont i?
first-short term goals
schoolwork:
packet c (trig)
get to know what the fuck the chapter is about for the test (trig)
practice guitar, and "finally get a new string" (thats my excuse, cause i didnt wanna bring it)
do the other 50-some-odd pages of the translation work (sign language)
every day journal (asl 30 minute translations)
read "Frankenstein" (humanities)
current event report (humanities)
finish mollusk presentation (bio)
science article summary (bio)
shoot some film (photo)
the photo assignment is gonna be hard, we all wrote down subjects to shoot about, and pulled them out of a canister. some fuckstain put in "my interpretations of classical literature"
.....
UMM! HOW THE F-U-C-K AM I GONNA DO THAT?!
i was so mad, i rubbed the piece of paper in my palm til it was mush. literally. i was so mad....ive gotten some ideas, im just gonna think about those really fucked up stories....like "Alice in Wonderland" and "Catcher in the Rye" and maybe the poem "The Raven" ya know? just really gross junk....really surreal stuff.....i like really grotesque pics. stuff thats got strangely sexual undertones, or stuff thats 'really private'....for your eyes ONLY kind of stuff. i take pics as if they were my secrets, and its a really private process. im weird.

everything else in school is awful. im really stressed out. i dont see how miss blue could put such a workload on the seven of us. but i have a feeling that im the only one whos gonna finish it all. she wants us to like...have a fuckin sleepover and talk about ASL the whole time and make it our LIFE....
auuuggh.

miss blue and mister costello both say im gonna crack. thats really encouraging. alene says so too, but she knows the most. my family. my friends. my school. my goals. my lack of sleep. my constant headaches. my workload. my future. my idiocy. my despiration.
gosh.

i have so much to do..school. designs. keeping my sanity. and keeping my room clean. ocd. ocd. OCD.
my room is a wreck, and i wanna shoot myself.
i wanna be alone.
and sleep.
and be comfortable.

ive been having fucked up dreams lately about corpses, misinformation, and weirdest of all....

i had a dream i was riding around on a vespa, and there was this cat....black and carmel colored...he was chasing after me, so i stopped, so he wouldnt hurt himself. then....he just disappeared.....
the next day, when i was leaving to go out shopping, i see my sister, outside....petting a cat....
the cat in my dream.
ive never ever seen a cat like that in my life, with the coloring and the huge eyes and all....the real cat was so sick looking, well...just skinny. incredibly skinny. i fed her. i felt bad for her. my mother said not to feed her again, but i think i should. poor thing.

i havent even had time to write in my real journal. just cause....sooo busy. i need to do it, but it seems like its on the bottom of my list.

ive been so frantic i can barely sleep. so much to do.

and worst of all-the feelings are back. i cant believe theyre back. why?? how is that POSSIBLE? the feelings for J(xy)
why?
why should i even try?
anything ever happening again is hopeless.
completely and utterly HOPELESS.
i havent even talked to him since like...early january.
maybe i should email him?
i doubt hed respond.
maybe i will.
i think he thinks im like utterly in love with him, and im not. i dont have those "love" feelings, but i have feelings toward him. like...sensitive feelings. but i dont wanna. its instinct, and i wish i wasnt human. so i couldnt have emotion like that.

i must sound incredibly dramatic. im not. im too busy to be dramatic.
if you havent gotten the point, im too busy to tell you.
(hint:too busy)
-jo

its so amazing how this song, or any song off that mix cd can just transport me away....
cibo matto-king of silence.
this summer....new york...
east coast...
just...relaxing, even though i was rushing everywhere...
running around in the subways...
riding on planes for hours...
gorgeous..
i loved every second of it, although my father is a somewhat frustrating person...
and my wait to get home was even nice, cause i knew id get to see my friends again...all happy...
sitting in my brothers house, feeling like family...
his house was warm, in a family like way.
i was so broken, but they didnt know...
and id sit and sew...
then talk...
and wed go out to eat...
then run to the airport
and drive around alllllll daaaay
and id read...
i think that was the most relaxed ive been all my life..
and i didnt say much the whole trip
i cant wait to leave again, this summer...
counting down.

now the strokes are playing....and these songs just remind me of j(xy) i dunno why, but like....we didnt do anything to this song...at all...
just the thrashy guitar and beat...and distorted voice reminds me of closing my eyes, next to a pic of him, in my bed...wishing i could open my eyes and his REAL body would be there....
i dont think thatll ever happen.
i cant really imagine myself "with" anyone...
but i want to...
im afraid though..of getting screwed over...
but if i did have someone, id treat every day as if it were the last day id see them, and get kinda sad towards the end of the day...
i already do that, cause i know ill never live in that day again. its the death of a day.
my day died two hours ago.
im going to bed.
goodnite world.
a new day is born.

everything is just so lame.
i cant stand anything.
i just write in here when im just so fucking pissed and need to occupy my hands and brain with something else....

it seems it grows more and more still every day.
my social life fucking sucks, partially cause of my family.
i dont want my friends to stay the nite here....i dont want them to see my family for that long. i dont want my family to yell at them.
if i had my license by now, i wouldnt feel so self-neglecting.
i havent had a good time in too long of a time. my brains always occupied by something bad.
stupid people....

ive been contemplating on going to college, for reals, just cause you cant go anywhere in life without those oh-so-important sheets of paper they give you. i think i might go to an out of state, just to get away. new york is very tempting. so is california....
dammit!
i need to get the fuck outta here, just cause...
i need a vacation.
and i need to close ties with a lot of people.
i just wish i could and i hate having to wait so long.

im glad me and e(XX) are on okay terms again...
i hate it when that shit happens.

i hate it when people are stupid.
oh crap, i hate everything.
look at me be a pussy teenager.

bad boring ass mutha fuckin ass shit fuckity fuck day.
im another point down. spending money and working to spit in my cuts.
we have another person living with us.
we have no food.
my mother hates me. she wont let me go to the grocery store. she wont let me go out of the house (but i manage to, sometimes, every couple of weeks) she wont let me go out with her....god..living here is so depressing, i cant even feel it.
i feel so awful for being so annoyed by everyone, at school and at home. im constantly on the verge of a breakdown. ive got one escape.
and thats talking to a boy.
whos never on the internet when i need him most.
its okay though.
im getting fat again.
i feel like shit about myself
i wanna cry so hard.
i dont want school to start again on monday. im just...gonna have an attack just thinking about it. friday was basically crippling for me, all the taunting...it just made me wanna shoot everyone and everything then explode and eat my eyes..arrg! see??
i wish someone would be nice to me. just someone.
anyone.
im sick of being hit. not fed. grumpy. ready to crack at any second. why cant i ever have anyone just be NICE to me?? what did i do?
what did i do....
every day just gets more and more desparate. i sit alone too much. i work. and i get no results.
how come my whole life has been like this?
i just want one person to be nice to me.
i havent hugged someone without almost hyperventolating in almost two years.

arrg
i fucking hate everything right now. ive heard that a million times, but im so livid i cant express it better....
school is awful. i cant stand like ANYONE...J(XY) was really getting on my nerves today. well, he has been a lot lately.
all the cool kids at school...just seeing them ruins my day. and how E(XX) has been so fucking stuck up i just wanna hit her so hard. her and i have been friends for years, and my patience with her has just gone threadbare. im still being nice to her. like, when i see her...and we talk...but otherwise, i dont exist. i just cant wait for school to finish....im x'ing out the days on each one of my calendars. every day is so long. its april 9th....
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so ive got like 50 days total, weekends and everything of school left. AARRGG!! stabmestabmestabme.

one good thing though is that im starting to dig K(XY) but the thing is...ive never met him...we talk online. he lives in TX. and like...we have so much in common. like...i feel like im gonna go insane if i dont get to talk to him for a day. thats how serious i feel about him...and i really love talking to him, its the highlight of my day....but then...when i do talk to him, i get sad cause i cant be near him....i miss him and i havent even met him yet. i miss having a boyfriend. yeah, i actually do. but i think once i get one, itll be different...than me and my ex. that relationship was just whacked out...so, i cant wait for K(XY) to visit me this summer....itll be so great. ill feel sooooo happy. one week. thats all i get....every bit of happiness i get takes so long to achieve.
im really fucking sick of it....me and K(xy) plan on meeting...if things go well, (which i know they will) we plan on travelling together...we both really hate where we live and are in the same home situation...kinda..ive just got 4x as many people living with me...
im gonna break soon.
ive got a massive headache.
i wish everyone would just stop talking so i could sleep.
please.
save.
me.
fuck.

uurg, back to school. lame....i dont wanna go, just cause all the dumbfucks who try to ruin my day...like, theres this group of kids who we all used to be friends, but like, they just all determined that theyre better than me and my current friends...its kinda crappy, very teenagerish if you ask me...i dont believe im better than anyone. cause im not. im just as good as anyone else. but i can not like people.

im waiting to leave for my bus. do de do. i was kinda sad that K(XY) wasnt on last nite. like, talking to him on AIM is probably the highlight of my day. seriously. hes so fun to talk to...so i was kinda sad, that i had a not-too-fun day in the first place, then he wasnt there. arrg..i think im starting to dig him. he said he wants to take a greyhound out here. that sounds really neat to me. all confusing. me and my digging boys from far away...yeah, i hate it. i dont know why i do it. maybe cause its safe? maybe its cause whenever i find a guy i dig here, one of my friends starts to dig him, so i start to back off...not fun, i guess. i hate my love life, or lack thereof.

my brother left last nite. i wont see him for a long time. but the wedding and everything went by SO quick. this past weekends been so stressful, then i have to go back to school. maybe itll be decent. i have photo today, so that means ill have a good ol time. maybe L(XX) will give me a ride home? thatd rok me like a hurricane!! WOO!
well.....i have nothing else to talk about. i just kinda wanted to talk about K(XY) a little bit...i dont tell anyone about who i dig n stuff...its just bound to get out and run its lap of hellish gossip...well the bus...its coming...