so its the first "real" day of break, and i have nothing to do..my phone is unrung, and ive knitted two bracelets (one for k(XX) the other for Y(XY)) and im just...blah! i was pissed off when my mother and her boyfriend came home for lunch...hes a total lush, i cant stand him. he eats soup out of a big mixing bowl, and i have no clue why. and he turns the computer all the way off. and he always has socks and sweats on, and when theyre not on, hes in his work clothes. (really tight pants with his shirt tucked in and cowboy boots) but if you dont believe hes fucked up...thisll prove it...the man CANT STAND the simpons OR the beatles. what a FUCK! we were driving home from the party last nite, and on the radio they were having the hour of the beatles, like always, and i was kinda happy it wasnt on country and the beatles always remind me of the happy times when my father wasnt a superdruggie (for about a year..) and my mother was happy. we used to listen to the beatles in the mustang and go eat every week. *sigh*
i hate thinking about my parents, but i cant help it. its like, they invade my thoughts all the time. and it eats away at me cause i wonder what id be like if all of it didnt happen.
my fathers getting married again this saturday. that means i wont see him much anymore. just when we started talking again....i mean, im happy that hes happy, but im just sick of on and off parents. i just need to get away from them as soon as possible. i cant have them in my life anyways, but seeing them is worse..does that make any sense?
i still have some bruises from the fight a week ago, but they dont hurt all THAT bad. i hate how they act like nothing happend, even just right after fights, and my mothers boyfriend just stares at us when we argue. hes such a fucking drunk. i hate him. i hate him so much. hes turning my mother into a lush, and shes gonna die, all cause of him....but....im also afraid...his daughter-in-law was over here and said she doesnt like him much either, she thinks he just takes money from women and dumps him...i mean, thats concieveable, just cause he spends so much stupid money on stupid shit...and my mother just idolizes him and everything he does. ever since theyve gotten together, she, once a religous woman, has ceased practice. i mean, im not the same religion she is, but religion is a lifetime commitment-something that comes before anything else....im afraid hell leave her once the money is all gone, and shell be so upset shell kill herself...shes got the potential. im afraid thatll happen...i still love her to death, but i havent seen the true her in a long long time...

i dont know who anyone is anymore, not myself, not my family, not my friends....no one.....is it just my fate to walk around in circles, talking to people who i think i know?
i fucking hate this...
july 20th.
license....
road...
im gonna leave it all behind in doses.
december 12, 2003.
thats the day.
thatll be the day i can leave to where i want.
for forever.
and ever....

mehahaghahgaghafffffffffffffff...work work work.
on break? yeah, i work. can i just stop myself?
ive been working on more and more and more logos, and it took me an hour to do a flyer last nite. the runner of A.S.S doesnt seem all that impressed by my designs, so i work SO hard, but when i show other people they like them a lot (or so they tell me)
so what the hell?
is his mohawk pulled to tight?!
crap!!!
this stupid antioxidant green tea tastes like shit. im never letting my mother get stuff for me at the store again.

went to the 50% off !EVERYTHING! sale at big ol' savers. <3<3<3 i got a shirt that im forcing my prom date (if i go, junior OR senior year) to wear. its one of those tuxedo shirts...cute. like, its really tiny, but ive got a thing for guys who look like theyre starving. mm. like J(XY) hes like 5'5 and only 110lbs. maybe hell go with me? i hate him! arg! but i like him! i hate liking him! im like a child getting forced to take a bath with him. (i dont wanna! i dont wanna! i dont wanna!!) but! i got this weird french/english electric game thing today made by mego. its so cool. FABULOUS FRED. it has a built in organ in it. only cost me $2. still works. I LOVE IT! if it were a person, id marry it.

ive got this sick fetish lately of shopping in the preteen underwear section. their undie sets are adorable n cute. and suprisingly, i can still fit in a girls' medium. can i hear a 'rok!'? i got this cute rainbow bra n panty set. $3. walmart roks my ass hard. speaking of walmart, i fell in love there today! i saw this fellow, japanese, wearing a cute rudie hat, nice shoes, collared shirt, and cute mole on his face...hair flipped out shaggily and PERFECTLY under his hat...and i kinda followed him. hes the kind of guy id wanna hang all over. i think i kinda scared him though. SO!?! hehe. after i got home, i drew a pic of him in my journal. im such a geek... well...i better get back to designing those two other logos. tomarrow is my grandmothers/cousins bdays. hurrah. im actually gonna see my family. ive also got to finish up two shirts tomarrow before i go. and my uncle will wanna talk photo with me cause hes just getting into it. i better warm up my neck and head, cause with all that nodding and not listening, its bound to get sore.

wow, i just realized that some people actually READ this thing. i find that fact kinda creepy. i mean, i dont mind, the only thing im paranoid about is if someone i know will come across this. just the thought makes me hypervenolate....*inhaler*

im finally on break. !!! ive worked my ass off, and i managed to get a C in biology (thought i did better) and A's and B's in my other classes. i dunno about trig though. i didnt pay much attention, and i was also sick for a while. oh well. i dont have to think for a week and thats all i care about. HA!

well, i know ill be busy in the next 9 days. here are the things i need to do:
*make dress for fathers wedding
*turn in job applications
*design about 5 flyers for shows coming up
*design about 6 more logos for for A.S.S (arizona ska scene, hahahah)
*shoot about 3-5 rolls of film (b&w)
*shoot the aquabats/save ferris/voodoo glow skulls show
*shoot the flogging molly/slackers show
*shoot my fathers wedding
*sew two shirts
*work more, put all of it into savings...
*then! make time to hang out with my friends which i never see anymore....:/

yeah. well, not having school for a week will let me just catch up, and free up my frikkin schedule. ive been working my ass off for those A.S.S logos. arrg. the people better like them. theyre going to be on pins and shirts. does that make me famous? or an artist? if it does, im gonna chop one of my legs off and kick my own ass with it.

something upset me the other day. i was talking to one of my friends at school (exclusively at school, not personal friends) and she said that M(XX) and me are HORRIBLE to eachother. i said "how? ive never done ANYTHING to her. the last time we talked was when she said 'why is e(xx) being such a fucking bitch to me??' and i said 'you shouldnt call your FRIENDS a fucking bitch. and besides, shes my friend too...' and that was in her car, and she didnt talk to me on the way home, and she hasnt talked to me since." so, i told her that, and this friend said that that wasnt what she heard. that upset me. this girl....i dont see why she doesnt like me. i mean, not like that i care, she can not like me all she wants, but she doesnt have to spread smaktalk about me. thats just bad karma in itself. like, when i even SEE her, i just feel angry. thats AWFUL. shes a leech of karma. shes the misdirected anger kind of teen. oh god, i feel so awful. is this smaktalking? i hope not. im slowly converting to buddhism, and thats SO against it. i have a long way to go, considering i still dont know much, and i havent had time to read up on it (exams) but....its not good. im sick of those "art kids" (well, i go to art school) but my friends there are just great. A(XX) and L(XX) and A(XY) are great. A(XX) and A(XY) are kinda quiet til you get to know them, and are a frikkin HOOT (<-haha) and L(XX) is kinda childish, but has a mature side. i love her. and E(XX) is my best friend, but when she hangs out with M(XX) it just pisses me off cause she takes on that lame mentality.
god i hate talking about people...so why am i doing it?
well, im gonna go get ready and go thrifting. im a clothing junkie...addiction....addiction!!

i only have ten mins til i have to go, but last nite something great/awful happend. J(XY) called me.
i just kinda freaked out and i could feel my face tingle cause i was blushing so much.
so hes kinda a weirdo. he said the guys at his label said that he "broke my heart" i have no idea what he was talking about. how would i know?
but later on....arrgg..we started "talking"
and stuff happend.
i hate the fact that just when im like abstaining from him, he just CALLS. i havent talked to him since early january. and hes coming next week. i hate him. i hate him. i hate that i like him so much. and that hes the only guy i can think of that ive wanted to be with in the past 3 years. seriously. all the other guys were cause i was feeling bored and vulnerable. so i did what i did.
i dont regret what happend this summer. i think it was the best nite of my life. ive never felt so "payed attention to" and he took everything that happend the same way as me, but both of us were freaking out cause we thought wed handle it differently.
i hate liking him so much. i wish i could stop.....
hes kinda sick, with some of the things he says in the moment, but i dont care....im awful too....
shit....
what if he visits me next week? what if theres a rerun of the summer? and ill hurt again even more.
my standards are too high for everyone else....ive been looking...no ones decent enough. but then, theres just....HIM. hes not perfect. i dont care hes a band boy (i hate band boys) i dont care that hes kinda weird. i dont care that hes just like ME.
we just suck. i wanna shoot myself in my face. im so tired. im so fed up with everything thats headed my way. next week, ill have it off...but i gotta do shit i dont wanna do. i wanna run away so bad. but i cant. i promised myself that this whole life situation as of now would make me invincible if i make it though...but its so hard.
i cant sleep.
i need help.
but im too egotistical to ask.
fuck it.
i miss a lot of things. and missing things makes you vulnerable.
thats not the image i want to convey.

yet another day i couldve basically gone without.
there was a fight this morning....then i worked...then i went out thrifting...me and E(XX) were supposed to go out, but our plans fell through due to lack of transportation. grr..i miss hanging out with her. i havent hung out with someone on the weekend in AGES..cept for myself...so after we decided to cancel, i started to sew, and i did 3 shirts. yep. 3. not too shabby...i had a pop-ska party in my room by myself. i remember how the aquabats used to be my favorite band...and like, when me and E(XX) sang to (what we thought was) no doubts tour bus (mostly aquabat songs...) but it was LIT and they came out and were like "hey!! nice singin girls!!" then we walked off....hahahaha. screw lit!
my junior high year book seems so old...its like, 3 yrs old.....but so much has changed...strange...that one pic of me and my ex is just....ahh..reminds me of not good stuff...but at the same time, good stuff. i remember when him, me and E(XX) used to hang out ALL the time...oh man..those were good times. i think me and my ex only went to like, one show without E(XX) and that was the no snow xmas show. and i got hypothermia at that show....he left me in the bleachers while he watched 311, that jackoff. and he ruined my canteen purse!!!!! jackoff! oh well. i cant say i regret anything, cause i dont. i kinda miss those days....*happy sob*

my father and i didnt go out last nite, so that means not a good meal til then. theres no food in this house but my chunky peanut butter. oh well.....i dont count 'mircowave' food as food. its just processed frozen powder, eh?
i had detention today, props to my mother..arg. well, at least its friday. im kinda down. i dont care. why am i sitting on my ass in front of the computer? hell if i know.
id kill for a diet pepsi. seriously...mmm. maybe ill go to walgreens in a bit and buy one and look at magazines.i love walgreens. im a geek. i like pens and markers and magazines and the nice stands at walgreens...meeaaww, im jo.
me and E(XX) are gonna film our thing tomarrow. its gonna be fun. L(XY) is gonna film it, but i doubt he will follow through, since hes kinda a flake. i still like him. i saw a great pic of him with a crayon up his nose today.
uuuggh..M(XX) sat next to me in detention today. i just hate being close to her, and she SAT NEXT TO ME. UGG! that may sound all horrible, but she gives off bad vibes. this may sound all stupid, but im kinda getting sick of a lot of my friends...a lot of the kids i talk to at school are like those modern-age hippies...

EG: "ohhh...i love clouds..that one over there looks like a puppy...ruff! ruff! hehehe"
then the too political ones..
"i HATE prom! its just a bunch of sluts dressing up in dresses giggling and then going to go fuck in a hotel. dumb sluts. if i were a girl, id go in my boots and be like 'mother fucker! dont dance with meee!' then id upturn the table and slam dance and kick everyones ass!"
umm.....okay.
i hope im not like that. i hope im not some airy verge-of-retardedness kid that goes to an art school...
speaking of...it seems everyones going to metro next year. its making me kinda panicky cause i dunno if staying at NSA is right for me....like all the incidents..the administration..etc..but metro is shit when it comes to academics..i wanna be smart. i mean, although im never gonna use that stuff, i wanna be considered EDUCATED. thats so hard to come by now'n days.
well...its friday. thank heavens. but im bored. and everyones out....and im sitting on my ass..yet again...on the computer...letting my brain curdle.
if you shot me, the bullet would stick in the chunks of the milk in my brain. yummy yummy.
its like those cottage cheese n fruit dills you get at the grocery store......

mm'hmm!! another day of high school awaits me in scottsdale. what a great thought eh? a school where i get a dentention for my mother not calling me in. a school where girls dress like kitty princesses...
ahh, school.
heh. i kinda dont mind it. im eating up high school cause all the kids around me dont know that i write about them, and how dramatic they are with such little things. to girls-its about embarassing moments in front of the crush.
to guys-its about fucking up shit.
how cool.
ha. its cold outside and i dont have a jacket. i guess thats pretty hardcore. i hope the joint guy is at the bus stop again. the bus took a detour without notification, and it pissed him off, and he leaned over to me and said "i shouldve smoked my joint before all this! then i wouldnt be so UPTIGHT! HAHAHAHHAahHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!" and he just kept laughing.
oh lord, i love the valley. hehe. ill kinda miss the bus, just cause of the people, but i wont miss how "reliable" it is...haha.
im just wasting time before i go to the bus. im jealous of my friend K(XY) hes going to japan in a few days to visit family. and hes gonna be like, drowning in goodness of bands from there...like polysics, and most of all, POTSHOT!!! i introduced him to potshot and he loves em. oh yes. i heard that they might be on warped tour, right in time for when Y(XY) comes to visit me! i cant wait to show him america....that may sound lame,but i know about some neat stuff....well im gonna jet...