last nite was an interruption of temporary peace; sams voice is still ringing in my ears. well, last nite, around 1030 pm, i got done with my trig hw, and i needed to work on my asl satistics n crap..so, i come out here, and ask sam if i can get on the computer...she didnt even respond, cause she sucks at giving up things. so...while im waiting, im looking for food, and theres nothing to be found but meat and beer...*fuck* so that pisses me off...then sam started yelling and fueled my fire (flames came outta my ears) then she, like usual, always makes arguements just skip, then splatter...she managed to drag me needing the computer into how im stupid, cause i go to an art school (well, she dropped out when she was 16..) then to how "i refuse to clean without being paid" (well, i clean up after myself no problem, but i do the big stuff for $$) then she managed to take it to me being a "slut" (well i havent boyfriend jumped for 4 years..) it just makes me mad; shes one of the three reasons why i dont leave my room (the other being my mother and her boyfriend)
now, somewhere in the midst of all this, sam yells for my mother...it takes her a while cause i think she was giving her bf head...oh well..but she comes out and just starts SCREAMING HER FUCKING LUNGS OUT.
she was barely two steps out of her door when she just pushed me really hard...then she slapped my hands too cause i pointed at her and said
"DONT pust me."
uughh..how dare she hurt me..then, sam ended up elbowing me really hard in my clavicle and i have this bump there...and my mother twisted my wrist. i though all of that was done with. i thought it would never go to that again. but it did. i didnt hit back. not at all. if i did, i wouldve just been inviting more my way. i mean, im strong, but i dont want to hit my family member...to me, thats just as bad (and tempting) as some hardcore drug...i wanted to, i wanted to bad. im glad i didnt. i was, in a sense, the strongest out of all of them.
so, after all that fighting...i kinda died out talking (i DONT yell...thats not communication) and then...i started to cry. i never cry in front of them....it was small though, then sam said something about "oh oh, cry little baby...then go tell all your fucking ska friends how we beat you and have us put in jail!! boo hoo hoo" that just hurt....i said to her that this fucking computer isnt worth all this stupid fighting, and that her attitude is completely uncalled for, and that id rather take an F in a class than be in the same room as her, cause shes the worst person i know. she truely is. shes so angry all the time. she just loses that human look in her eye and she clenches her teeth.....she usually pulls out my hair or takes me by the hair and hits it against something. im not exaggerating, but it hasnt happend in a while, just cause i dont like to leave my room unless if im out here alone.
i cant stand someone in this room besides me. and if someone is out here, i hurry and get off.
arrg, my father is coming to pick me up soon, and ive got a buttload of bio to do. itll be nice to eat a meal. well, at least something that i havent been hiding in my room for a while...
also....about stupid J(XY) he wrote in his lj a while ago that some girl from japan visited him n some shit...i dont care..it sucks. i want and i NEED to let go of him...but its so hard. i mean....i can say that i have really really deep feelings for him. i adore him. but, i know nothings going to happen. i want the feelings to get fed, but i think thatll be impossible. i have so much trouble developing connections between me and people. me and E(XX) are great though. shes my best friend, but shes always a bit misguided....she shouldnt worry so much about other people,and find that if she worries about herself more, that her problems will dissipate..silly kids, eh? we all do that, even i do. hah. oh well....ive got massive head clogging. i need to go.....maybe ill write later...i dunno.....

mmhmm. since ive been sick, and sleeping, i feel like ive wasted a portion of my life. yes. so i have to do something......what, though? im still hacking up parts of my internal organs (so attractive) but i MUST do something. if i had some cool fabric, id make a lovely skirt. i need to make something for my fathers wedding. britney spears looks like goldy hahn to me. shes got a nice body, but she kinda creeps me out. *shudder* im not just saying that cause bitchy little girls told me to, not at all...im saying that cause if i saw her in the store, i wouldnt look her in the eye. and if i worked at that store, and she asked me for help, id tell her a bullshit thang so she would stop talking to me...mahhh..
i think i figgerd out what to do about J(XY). it just hurts. its been hurting for a long time. i think i need to abstain, kind of, from thinking about him. its been two years. i want to slap him in the face. but still, in my mind, i know that once i stop digging him, hell want me, just cause thats how things are. its always how things happen. when i stopped digging my ex so much, we started dating.....why is that? and it seems, if i show a slight interest in a guy, once the interest fades off in my brain, he wants me. i dont get it. maybe its cause its human nature...we want what we cant have. well, im a bitch. i dont want to get with anyone, so everyone will want me.
ha! take THAT, you Y chromosomes!!!!!
i talked to my mother a bit this morning. her bf wasnt around much, so she was kinda okay....damn..i wish i had parents for a few months. i was her psychologist during the divorce...and me and my father didnt start talking until like, two years ago. im still kinda afraid of him, to an extent. itd just be neat. i always think about how drastically different my life would be if all of the movie-like action didnt happen so long ago. and how i wouldnt feel like im always drowning. and how i wouldnt be so nervous. and how id probably be able to talk to people normally.....and also, i know my face wouldnt have such indentions from the furrowing of my brow....thanks a lot, parental units, youre giving me wrinkles...now i wont be able to be a model like ive always wanted to be!! *purges in toilet* (ha)
i got a letter from K(XX) today. although ive never met her, i think shes awesome, although shes just as milky as i am. shes been busy lately, cause of her exchange program goin down....and shes going to japan. everyone is. *frowns so big it goes off my face* ive never been out of this country. but i cant wait. im afraid, though...ive got some massive fears within myself. those being getting lost and being betrayed (again) although the latter happens quite frequently, the first doesnt cause i have a sense of control over it. i always make sure i know which bus route goes where, and if i dont, i always make sure im with someone who does, and i leave it in their hands. *DEEEEPPP breath* why am i so afraid of getting lost? is it my ego, cause i always need to be in control??? what????
i miss new york...
i want a million rolls of film!! my next assignment for photo is "my life" i know im gonna take a pic of my creepers (cause im obsessed with shoes, in a non-material way....in a they go everywhere you do kind of way) and maybe a sinkful of dishes. although i bitch about working all the time, i kind of enjoy it. so i can bitch about being productive. thanks a lot, mother...thanks a lot for taking advantage of my OCD. at least i get paid, eh?
i love just typing stupid shit in here....cause i type really fast....and no one reads it..mwahahahah.

well, i think im gonna go fuck around on the net..paul frank. then get mad about stupid stuff and jump around n sew and get mad at TV and laugh about how they always play that pissed off cat sound. hahahahhahh! that makes me laugh so hard.
ahh, nonsense.
well..ill probably type later. i hope my day is filled with inside jokes with myself and hopes of me picking up the phone to talk someone....i need to get over my phoneaphobia...(did i hear a little ringy-dingy)
!!!!!!

just sitting here. nothing to do. stayed home again. got my money out of the mother. seventy-five frikkin bucks, damn straight, hard earned....she bitched at me. i told her that if she kept on top of her finances they wouldnt pound her in the end. blech. but like, sixty of it went to my savings. *smile*
i really cant wait for y(XY) to come! i want to see him! he seems so neat. but im afraid ill really like him when he comes. im afraid that ill like him a lot and ill get hurt again cause i wont be able to see him. maybe im just running in circles....just me. cause of stupid J(XY). im just....grr...one lives in another state. one lives in across the sea. stupid me, having a habit of digging guys so far away. maybe cause its save, in a sense. i dont like to be vulnerable. i like to seem kind of emotionless.
some people say im extremely intimidating.
E(XX) told me once, that shes sometimes afraid to tell me things, cause im "too confident, but in a good way" and "too intimidating" i was like "woah. youre one of my best friends...you shouldnt be afraid"
i miss her. i wish we could hang out more, but some stupid emo shitsters get in the way and suck her in, and make her feel like shit if she doesnt spare a minute to someone else, ya know?
sad.
miss a lot of people. emotionless.
bleeechhhh
ive never had a "Group"
oh well.
im kinda tired.
maybe i can leave the house tomarrow?
i havent left it since wednesday nite....
arrrggg!!!!
be productive!
its hard to constantly be productive, when youre disease ridden and have a spell of sleeplessness.
oh, mortal life, gimme a break...

how fucking lame can he BE?! GAAAAADD!!!
im sick. yes. my wish came true. i got 17 hrs of sleep and my head is going to explode. he is still fucking dumb and i dont want to see him when he tours through here. (yes i do) i cant stand him. hes just stabbed my lil heart one too many times. hes more milky than i am. what a jerk. i was reading his stupid bands stupid guest book and some stupid girl posted some stupid comment, and stupid him replied back that he likes stupid japanese girls.
FUCKER!
im so upset that he promised me that wed always talk, and we havent talked since jan..that just hurts. it seems that im not good enough or talented enough or pretty enough or charming enough for anyone to remember.....and im so confused cause i get told every fucking day that im those things listed above, and then some. they dont matter. not one bit. words are just imaginary....but feelings arent. i can be told im loved for the rest of my life by every person in the world, in unison...but id still feel stupid and inadequete.
stupid me....
i dont Dont DONT want to see him! im sick of being hurt...im not good enough...my mother doesnt care. my father just uses me...well, everyone just uses me...for physical labor (ive been cleaning houses since i was 11..) or for favors...or for a sounding board. i just want to run away. the valley is filled with dispicable people. awful.
i went out driving last nite. it was nice. cause that feeling is just liberating. im so young, but still, i have a car, and car=freedom. i dont care if i end up being homeless....freedom is priceless, baby.
my heads gonna explode. dammit! im not going to school tomarrow...
i woke up to e(XX)'s message on the answering machine...
"jo!! im at school, and youre not...you should be here...(backround person, then laugh..) *click!*"
hehe. i wanted to spend some time with her this weekend, but i dont think ill be able to. i feel like caca.
i needed to get some errands done as well, but alas, no $$... my mother owes me mucho dinero, that biznitch. i hate that i have to dip into my savings to cover her ass. we were supposed to be rollin in dough when her bf moved in, but NOO!!! they spend so much money on beer, i could be through college by now...no fuckin joke. its kinda ridiculous, when i walk into the kitchen in the morning, seeing him open a beer then watch him go out the door and get in the Testosterone Truck.
my dad thinks hes just using my mother for $$, and so does my sister...i dunno...but i have a feeling that if he ever leaves my mother, shell kill herself. seriously. my sister said she had a dream he did so and my mother hung herself..i love my mother, but not this person whos posing to be her, since june.
i dunno...im just not a big fan of my family. theyre just too.......
anyways...i think im gonna go lie down. i can barely see and i think im gonna black out.
i wish i could sleep until the milk in my thoughts curdle...

well, today was that special day for testing. it was a cinch. *clicks heels* but i had to wake up at 6:30, something im not down with. then, in ASL miss blue didnt believe me that the testing was only in the morning, so she made me verify it in the lobby...then, when i came back, she was yelling at everyone and continued until 11...she ended up crying. she said we dont want to change the deaf world (well, were not deaf...) and i DONT want to do story telling (in sign) to deaf kids. its just not me. i dont want it to be my project. im going to do a deaf awareness thang to the newspaper....so anyways, she left class a half hour early...strange..guitar sucked. i fucking hate it. math sucked. i hate trig. i hate A days. oh well....b days are allright. i think my mothers home. meh. fuck it. i hear the harley...hahah. stupid $$$ they spend. we have $40 til friday...no beer....so they went to go buy some. i havent washed my hair in over a week. and ive only eaten bread and the chinese pears my dad got me. its okay though....my sister claims the reason why my mother doesnt want my half brother to stay here is cause "my mother and him did something sexual" umm???? well, shes like, 20 yrs OLDER than him!!! hahah. everything is sexual to my sister, and i find that fact quite entertaining.
sex sex sex.
ive had a headache for a long time....meh. today was L(XX)'s bday. i got her japanese felix the cat gum and a oak buddah in a drawstring pouch i made...i know, not much, but the pouch i made was gorgeous. its a lavendar floral brocade fabric with mint green ribbon. i try to make nice packaging for presents. all my xmas presents were wrapped in neat vintage fabric and lace. mmm'mm good!
ive gotta do hw....ive got a latin packet..and read CANDIDE. i dont mind it...but some of voltaires wording is pretty fucked up....he pokes fun at all this gross stuff like rape and genocide n crap..not funny..okay, it is...
ive also gotta do my bio packet and study for bigasstest to-marrow. tests tests tests.
thats what nsa is all about.
maybe ill get some sleep?
doubt it....A(XX) wants me to call her...and ive got to go live or something? crap...i forgot...
*head explodes*

im so tired. i found out i have AIMS testing tomarrow.
and to top it off, tomarrows an A day.
fuck me.
i worked out too hard tonite. ow.
im lame.
tired.
thinking of him again, for some godawful reason.
hes lame.
i hate him.
im kind of fed up with myself.
im not supertalented at something like everyone else i know. im just mediocre at everything...mediocre or bad. seriously. everyone i know is a fucking prodigy at this or that, and theyre GREAT at it. if i know, say, 3 people who are good at photo, its all great, cause they all have different styles....and im just sitting there...hoping and trying.
god.
im so tired.
there was a big fight tonite.....
my sister. my mother...god theyre immature. they just yell and yell and yell......im glad i wasnt part of it this time. and im glad no hits were thrown...lame. sick of these people...my mother dissappeared for a few hours afterward, and my sister was dramatic-times-ten. does this show ever stop? thats a no.
i often wonder what itd be like if i had grown up in a "normal" situation....ya know..NORMAL. times when my father DOESNT take me on van buren and point out where the best heroine, cocaine, and prostitutes are....times when i CANT always hear my mother fucking in the next room....what would it be like? if i wasnt exposed to all that?
im glad, in a sense, just cause ive learned something from it. the hard way is the good way for me. meh. im a retard.
and i gotta pee.

link 80 was NEAT. california boys are so attractive. seriously. i took a ton of pics of them. ryan is hot. like, in a unique way. i like his face! haah. emily was all goo goo ga ga baby over aaron. theyve kissed...awww. m(XX) and L(XY) were there too. neat. m(XX) is so sweet. i wish i could hang out with her more. a guy from link 80 asked us if we were related. hm. anyways....mikey from cnr was there tonite (duh, his band played) and i think he has such a sexy frikkin voice..mmmmm. and he hugged me...i shouldnt of pulled away so fast..cause i never get hugs. i hate thinking nice things about boys. it makes me vulnerable *shudder* i cant stand the thought of being vulnerable. im a 16-year-old girl who needs that power play in her life...
perfect.
im thinking of him tonite, cause the boys of link80 know him....i miss him, and i dont want to. i hate it. i want to forget him, but the feelings are just like sap in my veins, just meandering down so fucking slow....and theyll always be there. why do i fucking like him so much? i need this power in my life! and i have no fucking power over him in my guts and veins and gross intestines n shit. ugh. i miss him. i havent talked to him since january. i think he could care less about me.
what would you want with a lame little girl who thinks too much for her own good?
and those thoughts being about completely irrellevent things in live.
oh fuck me....
i need to take a shower.
cigarette butts.
no sleep.
oh yeah, my dad was here at 115pm, not noon. ha.
yeah..dammit. i miss him.
i dont want to go to school tomarrow.
not one bit.
school is for fags, says i.