i am convinced everyone hates me. everyone seems mad at me, and the days seem hazy in my eyes. it still feels like sunday, but its tuesday. the 30th. i didnt want the clock to tick this fast without me seeing it do so.

ive been posting on a lot of message boards the last couple days, and it seems no one from any of them likes me. i changed my user name on the ASS board. maybe ill go back. who knows. i just feel incredibly alone again. that means ill be writing in here a lot more just to take up some time and try to get myself to feel better. im just stuck here.....

like i said, hell be leaving soon.
i cried cause of him last nite. before i went to sleep. i looked at the mix tape he gave me, with a little side note about where he messed up...and it said "love, philip" and i just started to weep...someone took a lot of time and thought to make a tape for me. no one, i repeat NO ONE has ever done something so nice for me...i havent even listened to it. itd take a lot of strength. i dunno why....i just dont like getting super emotional. hopefully ill see him later on today.

ive been thinking a lot about people lately. and how i want to talk to them more. and be a bit more open and friendly. me and tony went out last nite. and we talked. and i talked to some strangers. they were nice. i should do that more often. maybe id see them again, and theyd no longer be strangers.

im just sick of being here. the valley is like a non stop legargicismfest. i feel so negative here. whereas, when i was on the east coast, i awoke fresh and knowing there was lots to do that day. with big buildings to see, and goregous scenery to soak up.
arizona is flat and tan.
bleech.

i always talk about how i hate az in here. and i talk about my family a lot too. my writings in here are just depressing. i dont write much thats positive. i save all that for livejournal, just cause more people know that side of me and rather see it than this one.
oh well.
i want to talk to someone who thinks im interesting.
but that wont happen..

i have a cokenail.
i do not do coke.
you dont have to be a cokemonkey to have a cokenail.
chinese people invented the cokenail.
but that was before they had coke.
they used it cause they did not import Q-tips to china in those days.
they would clean their ears and pick their noses with their cokenails.
i am not chinese.
but i do have a cokenail.
and i use it for the same reasons.
and to carve things into styrofoam cups.
i like my cokenail.

we just sat around tonite. like usual. i missed the show. i still think A(XX) is still mad at me. i hope not. the whole hanging up thing really got me shakin..

i felt as if i were flying through space...colors in my brain just popped up in my face. i never thought i would resort to such things, but im glad i opened up and streached out my wings.

my hands are sticky. and im not feeling as pretty as i was. my body's let go of all of the needles that were pricking my skin, and the goregous paisley patterns that sparkled in my eye. a hug has never felt so real. lying down never felt so surreal. every moment lasted for ten count. i wanted to eat them all up with a ladel.

i feel like an indie kid right now. but im wanting to make a big change. a real impact. kinda feeling too stupid to though. i never think im as up to par as the rest of the world. its just cause of my inexperience, and i want to be like those senior to me. i feel it. but i dont know it. i wanna shake its hand and be a good acquaintence of it. i guess i wont til im there. which seems forever. just saying that reveals my true age.

i want to write interesting things that people in the masses WANT to read. not just me. or people who know me. i want to be internationally known. i want to be locally me. down to earth, head in the clouds. its the only way to be, like this...this right now. otherwise no one could dream. dreams and imagination are falsehood these days. i admit i tossed mine at the end of the season, back when it just went out of fashion.

i dont want to be left alone again, but i do. i want to get back into my socially shallow groove and not think for a bit. but ill miss having the 'where is he?' emotion. and knowing im doing something bad. cause im bad.
sure. they will leave. and ill find new people. but i want them now. i want to have someone to look up to. is that so bad? someone i can just attach to, and will attach to me. im so gaurded usually. i just dont want to get hurt anymore. if i were good with words, id ask someone to hug me more often.
like that will happen.
so now that im calming, my head bobbing back with fits of short sleep. goodnite. sweet dreams.
-jo

well...ho hum....hel-LO saturday nite....
personally, i think this is the height of my teenage-dom, or whatever the fuck you wanna call it.teenagehood..i dunno. its saturday nite, i SHOULD be all decked out in some cute lil outfit of mine, glossy lips, trompin along with my girlfriends, giggling, and thinking about how my face hurts from smiling so much. well, since im writing this, im OBVIOUSLY not doing that. im sitting at home. in an old band shirt. no make up. all alone. well, i DO have the company of The Yelling Man. he sells collectables on ch. 13. he yells about the deals. and how crazy they are. he just said "not dot com! its dot TV!" he is my friend.

well, im not completely alone. bling blingin of the instant messages. my friend claims hes drunk. and he had a foursome. but he lies about stupid stuff..its kinda entertaining. especially the one about him getting sucked off when he was nine. did his balls even drop yet? ha!

im getting kinda fed up with people my age. theyre just...(i hate to be so harsh)STUPID!!! GODDAMN, THEY ARE SO STUPID. seriously, since when does saying "moo" or "cheese" or "monkey" make you funny? my generation has no clue what funny means. its just a string of bad one liners that ive heard over and over and over and over...i mean, shit, gimme a gun, and ill feel no sorrow! ill just shoot em all, clonecloneclonecloneclone...
maybe im acting elitest. maybe im being cocky. maybe im being antisocial. whatever im being, i might as well apologize, cause i know im offending someone.
i dont know where the hate for my generation spawned from. it wasnt from school. well, it kinda was. i dont go to typical high school. i go to school with artists. but some of the kids there are just there escaping from social shit. or they wanna say "im an artist" but theyre just stupid. i think it more or so stemmed from scenester kids, and how fiercely competitive and catty they can be.
i mean, who knew someone with such pretty feathered black hair and a nice diesel denim jacket and black chucks could be so...mean? ha. maybe its cause diesel costs at least $125, and their friends' mommy bought them THREE pairs of jeans, but their mommy only bought them two...ouch. thats a slap in the face!

i like the jesus channel. the younger girls all have hightlighs. did the virgin mary have highlights? no. she had an unplanned pregnancy.

hip hop makes me wanna have tits and an ass. im a 34b and i kind of have an ass. see. music DOES affect people. or maybe i just wanna have some tits to show off, eh? i want a body like a pin up girl, and id walk around in really sexy strappy heels, and all guys would want me. yeah...itd be fab. i mean, i dont have a problem getting guys as it is...i could get any guy i want, basically. i could find something about myself to flaunt around him, and hed get a slight interest that i could fling upon him and hed end up drowning in obsession with me. ive only done that with id say, two or three guys. it takes a lot of work, but i can do it. any woman can. i can be pretty fuckin charming. if i smoked, id take a drag off of a cigarette right there...itd be a perfect moviemomentmadeonfilmsecond, ya know? yeah, ya dont. faaaaaaaabulous.
typign just whatever comes to mind is just great. i dont feel like sitting down and writing an essay for this supposed zine im going to do, but i have a feeling ill do it, and ill end up offending a lot of people. i wanna know they think, but ill create another email addy, just so they cant track me. i wanna be annonymous, then eventually come out. i want to do something. i havent ever really been forced to do anything, or get into anything. im a really scared little girl deep down inside, and everytime it comes to doing something new on my own, i just shiver, and have no one to push me..i kinda think its this city. no one talks to eachother here. but if it were my choice, id go up and talk to people on the bus, ask em to hang out and get a bite to eat with me, and theyd say okay. things jsut dont work like that here. its more of a clock instead of a jar of orange juice to me...
i kinda think i have all these preconceived notions on my head of some utopia in america with really nice cool cultured people exists, but i dunno....i dont think theres a such thing. theres no such thing as a true friend. thats why i have power of word. cause i know theyre all my friends. and theres millions of languages, so i could learn those languages, and make even more friends and be the most popular girl in the world, all the words, eh?

i can feel my cokenail growing out nice and strong. its starting to catch on the keyboard and click the ?key instead the tip of my finger. its a great feeling, believe it or not.

i wonder where he is. i wonder if hes still at the party. i hope hes having a good time, cause im going to miss him. i hope i see his face again after this week...like the slackers song..."i hope to see your face again..." its a lot sweeter coming from vic. i hope shes not mad at me since im not going tomarrow. or the other kids...i feel like a traitor. i miss my life. its all messed up cause of these people i love.
well...thats all im going to write on a saturday nite, a sunday morning. mmmm....

i dont post in here a lot, and when i do, its just cause i like the feel of keys under my fingers, and cause i dont post such personal stuff in livejournal. sooo...
heres the stats...
hes aiming to leave at the end of this month. and im just a roller coaster of emotions. i keep telling myself not to care so much, and not to lay so much emphasis on it all....that ill be happy and social again.
one minute ago, i was happy. that hed write me and call me and email me and wed talk on AIM.
now, im thinking that he wont, and that he has a billion girls to sleep with there, and im nothing but a petty 16-year-old to him.
i just WISH i could express my coaster to him! god!!! its soooo horribly annoying. i wish i could tell him without making him upset...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........THIS IS JUST RIPPING ME TO SHREDS!
gosh. all i want is just to have someone consistant that i can just talk to and have fun and theyd call me...like he does..stupid stupid me.
one minute, i think im unforgetable..
the next....thin air.
one minute...i think we have a future.
the next...i have no future.
i think hes kinda getting fed up with me cause both thursday and friday, we hung out...and like, i got kinda emotional. thursday i was drunk. friday, i said something, and it turned into kinda an arguement..he was just shouting at me...saying that he WILL keep in contact and that he likes me. that HE LIKES JO. i couldnt even look at him..i felt so bad. but i thought about it...if i keep acting like that, he wont want to spend more time with me before he goes...ahhh...i need someone to talk to. for comfort. hed be the best, but i dunno where hes at. i guess all my anxieties will be solved when he leaves. whether he does or doesnt stay in the same contact as me...but i truely feel that im not worth it. (like anyone reads this) im not looking for sympathy. to break myself down, im just a needy 16-yr-old girl, without a reputation. not impressive at all. dreamy. scared. just wanting a smidgen of stability. it seems im always in some sort of mess. especially within the past two years. some big emotional mess...
cant i just relax?
go into a coma?
wake up. be fine.
or maybe..
once i move...ill live around nice people..who knows?
-jo

with all the incidences and epiphanies, i know im now a different person, but still same at the core. at the double-helix strands. im still me.

a while ago i met a fellow, we decided we wanted to be friends. we agreed not to get attached. just in a purely fleshy way.
that was all.
now...now hes not doing so well. he cant afford to live in arizona anymore. and hes seeing the error of his ways. chasing a girl out here. then they rip apart two years later.
i met him three years ago. i didnt have any idea that fate would re-schedule us for an appointment together. but ive really enjoyed it. although i claimed i wouldnt get attach.
.....i have.
and so has he...
neither of us want it. cause hes probably moving back home. and we dont want to leave eachother behind. we dont want to miss eachother. but i know that if he goes ill miss him terribley.
in the whole three-month re meeting, weve finally opened up. and hes taught me a lot about myself. and taught me to do things for ME. and get rid of negative things in my life, especially people.
now that the telescope has stopped spinning due to the opressive negativity, i can once again focus and look ahead to my future.
i can be a bit clingy when i like someone. cause i never want to leave them. i want to have a promise that theyll be forever-and-ever-amen with me.
i know that im young, but i just want a bit of stability. and i think i can control it.
i should just remind myself...that hes said "i want to know you for your whole life. you are going to grow up to be INCREDIBLE" just thinking that makes me smile. and its not like well be separated for forever...
we plan on meeting. when im 18. i cant say where. cause if someone found this, they could track me down in the future. but ill be an adult..so its legal. well meet.
and he said he wants to live his daydream. he wants to be sonny, and ill be his cher. thats what he said. then, ill kidnap him and well jetset across the world, jumping from one lush hotel to the next...
and then i can smile sincerely.
knowing that i am a living human being.
with a beating heart.
and ears that hear honesty.
all this may be extremely whiney, and naive to a certain degree, but its all therapudic to me. escaping to a dreamworld. a place where i can control anything and everything down to the most scrutinizing detail. once i perfect every single detail, ill pull it out of my head and act upon it.
im not going to end up a faceless cubicle-inhabiting creature.
im going to see the world.
i dont care what it takes, but ill get it when i get it.
gosh, everything just seems so desperate all of a sudden.
ill know for sure within a week what will happen..my future that is, with him.

this is so fucking gay. i really hate living here. i dont see why i have to go through living with people who have NO LIVES WHATSOEVER, so they butt their noses into mine. this has gone too far..
i hate having to worry about them...cause i know, when i move out, things are just gonna go to shit. it may sound horrible, but i dont want them in my life, they are a negative influence, and sometimes i just wanna die cause of them...
its horrible how alone i feel.
although i am extremely social.
i cant go over an hour without thinking about moving out.
and wanting to be alone.
cause they inhabit my thoughts, like a parasite, knawing away at the core of me...its just instinct telling me to leave, and rip away.
it seems that.....i cant have a 'fine' relationship with anyone, cause they either talk smack or use me.
its exhausting.
.....i just want to close my eyes and sleep til im old enough to move out, and i can turn around and never return again. ever.
ive just got no one to talk to. at all. i always end up alone. i can make it okay for a bit....with sedative people...but once i come down, im below sea level, with a bit of a social hangover.
either make time go quickly.
or kill me.